San Jose City College

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   Word choice errors include use of wrong words | wrong verb, auxiliary verb, verb particle, preposition, or relative pronoun | nonspecific or imprecise words | empty phrases, unnecessary repetition, and wordiness| cliches, slang, and informal word use

  Part IV: Avoid empty phrases, unnecessary repetition, and wordiness. Read each sentence. Click the words in bold to see a change or omission. Note the wordy phrases that are crossed out in red. Check the teacher icon for further explanation.  
1. I took the car and started to drive without control. Suddenly I crashed abruptly against a wall on the street into a wall. The writer repeats words and ideas.

Suddenly = abruptly

If he was driving, obviously he was on the street. It doesn't need to be said.
2. Only students or students that have whose parents that make enough or much money are not qualified for a fee-waiver. Avoid repetition (students).
Students that have parents that make enough money is needlessly wordy.

By changing the relative pronoun to whose parents make enough money, the adjective clause is more concise.
3. When my aunt's first two children attended college, my auntshe had to pay for their tuition and fees. However, that amount was not too much; it was just three hundred and something like I said before. about three hundred dollars for their tuition and fees. Use a pronoun (she) when you have a noun referent (aunt) in the same sentence.

The essential information in the second sentence can be added to the first sentence to eliminate all the wordiness.
4. Children who are taught strong moral values in their familieswithin the family develop good behaviorbehave well outside the home in the society. A better contrast would be within the home and outside the home.

To develop good behavior is, essentially, to behave well, which is more concise.

In general, avoid all sweeping generalities such as
   • in life
   • in society
   • in the world
5. Being successful in life always is the priorityis a priority for most people. target of everybody in this modern society no matter where you are living, which age you are in. A short concise statement is always preferable to a long-winded, wordy one!
6. Most of countriesIn democratic societies in the world, the governmentgovernment officials  is voted by itsare elected by  citizens. Only democratic societies allow elections. Be specific!

The writer confuses the verbs to vote and to elect. Citizens vote. Government officials are elected.
The sentence demonstrates errors in word use and wordiness.
7. Particularly in the United States, the land of opportunity and freedom, peopleimmigrants from many countries around the world can live and work without racial, sexual, religious, or political discrimination.
 Don't all immigrants come from other countries? And aren't all contries somewhere in the world? From other countries around the world is an example of wordiness.

Aren't there some immigrants who live without legal protection against discrimination? Think about the unodocumented.
Click for a more concise statement. In the United States, documented immigrants are legally protected against racial, sexual, religious, and political discrimination.
8. These are some of the reasons why I thinkFor these reasons, Community college education should be freefree for students who are unable to pay.
 Be concise when stating reasons. Note these concise ways to introduce reasons:
    • Therefore,...
    • For these reasons
    • As indicated,...

It would also be better to qualify the statement. Why should college education be free for those who can afford to pay?
9. Since I don't have a degree of education or a careercollege education or job training, I need to work at two different restaurants six days a week. Degree of education is nonidiomatic and wordy.

A better word choice for career would be job training.

If the writer works at two restaurants, of course they are not the same restaurant. Logic makes the word different unnecessary
10. I really think community college is the first step to be able to achieve a successful pattern in lifeGetting a community college education is the first step toward success , but tuition and fees make it hardare a financial hardship for people like me.
11. Another problem isAnother problem with the death penalty is that the court could wrongfully convict a person. Yes it has happened many times, there are cases . Indeed, there have been cases where a personan innocent person has been put to death innocently. Keep the topic before the reader. The additional problem is the death penalty.

The idea in the wordy sentence, "Yes, it has happened many times" has greater emphasis with the transition indeed.

The adjective innocent should modify person.

The adverb wrongfully would modify the predicate (has beeen put to death) but it would be repetitive in this context.
12. ShouldShouldn't we spend the money to preventon preventing children from joining gangs and doingcommitting violent crimes instead of letting it happen and spending money on capital cases? The rhetorical question requires the negative auxiliary, shouldn't.

We spend money on something. In this case, the object of the preposition is a gerund.

The omitted words are vague (letting it happen) and repetitive (spending money).

Note that the correct idiom is to commit a crime.
13. Education is always a pressing necessary essential need for human's life human development. Pressing necessary need is repetitive.

Human life is vague and overly general. Human development is a more specific noun phrase.
14. Tuition and feesCommunity college tuition and fees that community colleges are charging now is a right thing that should be maintainedmaintained at their current level for three major reasons. Wordiness can be avoided in this sentence in three ways:
• use noun + noun combinations instead of adjective clauses wherever possible. [Example: Community college tuition and fees]

• Take the idea from the adjective clause and reduce it to an adverbial phrase [maintained at their current level]

• Let the modal should carry the meaning of is the right thing that... Omit this unnecessary phrase.
15. In todays world(Where? Name a place), horrible crimes are being committed daily. In today's world is an empty phrase. Where are horrible crimes being commited? In Iraq? In inner city Los Angeles?

Avoid vague, overly general phrases that have no specific reference.
16. The convenience of having a cell phone is that I can carry it everywhere in my purse because it is a small portable device that fits into my small purse. Note the unnecessary repetition. If you can carry a cell phone, it is portable.

If it can be carried in a purse, it's redundantrepetitive to say because it fits...into my small purse.
17. Instead of executing criminals by the death penalty, these criminalsthey could transform their lives and be rehabilitated and do good things for society. The writer has repeated information unnecessarily.
The death penalty is already clear with the words "executing criminals."
"Transform their lives" is implied in "rehabilitated."
The pronoun they should replace the noun criminals.
18. In my opinion, I think two socialsocio-economic problems we are facing today are unemployment and the gasoline's price increaserising cost of energy. In my opinion and I think are redundant and neither phrase is necessary. When a writer asserts a fact or opinion, it's clear s/he thinks it or has an opinion about it.

Gasoline's price increase is a nonidiomatic phrase and not on the same level of generality as unemployment. A more appropriate phrase would be the rising cost of energy.
19. I'm just a normalan ordinary person who lives a normal lifean ordinary life just as most people. I certainly would try to do everything to become successful and rich for the whole my life long, but once I did something that was the opposite of my personality. I ended quit to go to school to help my family's economysupport my family. The main problem with this sentence was the inclusion of four unnecessary phrases (wordiness).

A secondary problem was the use of imprecise and nonidiomatic words.

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